3 Quick Tips for Positive Kids

Studies are consistently showing that people who are grateful, optimistic, and are able to savour the present are happier than those who do not. Here are three simple tips for making each person in your family happier. (They even work for mums and dads).

1. Gratitude

Each evening around the dinner table engage everyone in sharing at least a few things that they are grateful for from their day. Be as creative as you like. And explore the feelings associated with it. When your child says he or she is grateful for something that happened with a friend at school, ask how it felt, and how others were affected. Relive the moment with them. And share things yourself.

2. Optimism

As you tuck the children into bed at night, ask them to tell you what they're most looking forward to in the coming days or weeks. Talk about why it's so exciting. Share in their optimistic feelings about the future. Encourage them to dream about this great event that night (This may be part of a morning routine too - without the dreaming).



3. Savouring the Present

When you are with your children and things are generally good, ask them to describe how they feel. Talk about feelings of satisfaction, peace, contentment, happiness, and so on. Help them identify those feelings so they can enjoy them even when you are not there to help.

These ideas can make for a happier you, a happier child, and a happier family.

For more, read "The Optimistic Child" by Martin Seligman, "Savoring" by Fred Bryant, and "Thanks" by Robert Emmons.

The Perfect Classroom

I got goosebumps reading this description (in the New York Times) of a perfect classroom.

While the author mentions the Obama administration in the USA, we are presently seeing increasing Australian emphasis on much the same things - standardised testing (NAPLAN), teaching to the test (with poor performing schools spending more and more time teaching kids how to take tests!), and other tinkering with curricula.

Of course, this is a parenting blog. Why would I focus on schools and education systems on this blog?

Simply, parents need to be aware of what happens in schools, and do their best to find schools that will provide the best education possible for their children. Unfortunately there is TOO MUCH ACCEPTANCE of practices that occur in schools that are simply NOT evidence-based, and DO NOT help our children LEARN.

Australia's education system, though run through the states, is taking on an increasingly national focus through such measures, and the focus is directed very much by what is occurring in United States' education departments. Sadly, the USA is not the best example of constructing school curricula that are beneficial to students. Parents who are aware of this type of information and research are best able to agitate for change that helps.

The full article is reproduced below, in case the link does not work.

THE Obama administration is planning some big changes to how we measure the success or failure of schools and how we apportion federal money based on those assessments. It’s great that the administration is trying to undertake reforms, but if we want to make sure all children learn, we will need to overhaul the curriculum itself. Our current educational approach — and the testing that is driving it — is completely at odds with what scientists understand about how children develop during the elementary school years and has led to a curriculum that is strangling children and teachers alike.

In order to design a curriculum that teaches what truly matters, educators should remember a basic precept of modern developmental science: developmental precursors don’t always resemble the skill to which they are leading. For example, saying the alphabet does not particularly help children learn to read. But having extended and complex conversations during toddlerhood does. Simply put, what children need to do in elementary school is not to cram for high school or college, but to develop ways of thinking and behaving that will lead to valuable knowledge and skills later on.

So what should children be able to do by age 12, or the time they leave elementary school? They should be able to read a chapter book, write a story and a compelling essay; know how to add, subtract, divide and multiply numbers; detect patterns in complex phenomena; use evidence to support an opinion; be part of a group of people who are not their family; and engage in an exchange of ideas in conversation. If all elementary school students mastered these abilities, they would be prepared to learn almost anything in high school and college.

Imagine, for instance, a third-grade classroom that was free of the laundry list of goals currently harnessing our teachers and students, and that was devoted instead to just a few narrowly defined and deeply focused goals.

In this classroom, children would spend two hours each day hearing stories read aloud, reading aloud themselves, telling stories to one another and reading on their own. After all, the first step to literacy is simply being immersed, through conversation and storytelling, in a reading environment; the second is to read a lot and often. A school day where every child is given ample opportunities to read and discuss books would give teachers more time to help those students who need more instruction in order to become good readers.

Children would also spend an hour a day writing things that have actual meaning to them — stories, newspaper articles, captions for cartoons, letters to one another. People write best when they use writing to think and to communicate, rather than to get a good grade.

In our theoretical classroom, children would also spend a short period of time each day practicing computation — adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing. Once children are proficient in those basics they would be free to turn to other activities that are equally essential for math and science: devising original experiments, observing the natural world and counting things, whether they be words, events or people. These are all activities children naturally love, if given a chance to do them in a genuine way.

What they shouldn’t do is spend tedious hours learning isolated mathematical formulas or memorizing sheets of science facts that are unlikely to matter much in the long run. Scientists know that children learn best by putting experiences together in new ways. They construct knowledge; they don’t swallow it.

Along the way, teachers should spend time each day having sustained conversations with small groups of children. Such conversations give children a chance to support their views with evidence, change their minds and use questions as a way to learn more.

During the school day, there should be extended time for play. Research has shown unequivocally that children learn best when they are interested in the material or activity they are learning. Play — from building contraptions to enacting stories to inventing games — can allow children to satisfy their curiosity about the things that interest them in their own way. It can also help them acquire higher-order thinking skills, like generating testable hypotheses, imagining situations from someone else’s perspective and thinking of alternate solutions.

A classroom like this would provide lots of time for children to learn to collaborate with one another, a skill easily as important as math or reading. It takes time and guidance to learn how to get along, to listen to one another and to cooperate. These skills cannot be picked up casually at the corners of the day.

The reforms suggested by the administration on Monday have the potential to help liberate our schools. But they can only do so much. Our success depends on embracing a curriculum focused on essential skills like reading, writing, computation, pattern detection, conversation and collaboration — a curriculum designed to raise children, rather than test scores.

Susan Engel is a senior lecturer in psychology and the director of the teaching program at Williams College.

Parenting and Pool Cleaning

We've just bought a new house in recent months. And for the first time in our family's history, we have a pool. This has brought with it many wonderful hours of family time, playing, relaxation, and happiness. For me, it has also meant yet another item on my daily list of things to do.

As I've meandered out to the pool early each morning, usually in a semi-comatose sleep walk, I've considered how parenting and pool cleaning share an important similarity.

For a few days during the summer break I chose not to do anything about maintaining the pool. We were away, or spending time at the beach, or simply sleeping in and being a little lazy. Chores like pool cleaning required effort that I wasn't prepared to put in... until...

One morning I entered the pool area and was stunned at what I saw. After just two days of neglect the water was cloudy and there was a slight tinge of green on some parts of the pool's floor. Chlorine was added in great haste and in great volume! Other chemicals were poured into the water liberally. The filter was turned on, backwashed, cleaned out, and more! I had to act, quickly and effectively.



Fortunately disaster was averted and within a few hours the pool was sparkling again, and everybody was happy.

Just like a pool requires constant attention for things to be right, so too do our children. In fact I believe that attention is the currency of relationships.

If we choose to place our attention on things outside of our relationships, our relationships will suffer and eventually become toxic. Emphasising our relationships by turning our attention to the people who matter most in our lives will be far more likely to lead to flourishing families.

Bottom line - Kids spell love T - I - M - E. Without time and attention the family will suffer.

Running Late

I arrived late to work yesterday.

For the past several days we have been dealing with some serious "attitude" from our eldest daughter, now 10 years old. We had tried the tools I often teach others, including gentle reminders, empathy (albeit it on-the-run, which doesn't really work), and so on. In our frantic-paced "busy-ness" we then began trying to use short-cuts to deal with the building emotional and behavioural issues. Finally, yesterday morning, things came to a head. My daughter pushed my buttons once too often.

When it happened I wanted to do all of those things we all feel like doing. I wanted to yell, tirade, demand, lecture, punish, and generally let her have it!

Being a "parenting expert" doesn't make me an expert parent. We ALL have moments where we want to take our frustration out on our children - after all, they're generally the cause of it!

Or are they?

Before I actually let fly with the pile-up of appalling possibilities flying through my brain I paused ever so briefly. But it was enough.

My daughter's actions that were so infuriating, while lasting several days, were not necessarily all her fault. True, she has the ability to choose how she will act. But she's just ten years old. And as I considered the previous few days I thought about a few challenges she had encountered, and particularly how unavailable my wife and I had been to her. (Sure we'd bought her some new shoes, but that hardly qualified as quality time).

I told her to meet me in my room in two minutes. When she got there we cuddled. I talked about how she was probably feeling. She responded by expressing a little more, and helped me understand better. Our conversation ranged, often got off topic, but covered everything essential. It lasted around half an hour.



It was the best spent half-hour of my week. My daughter was a new person. And she saw me as a good dad again.

Often if our children are struggling, they don't need "discipline", be that teaching time, punishment, threats, time-out and so on. Nor do they need bribes, promises, goodies, stars on a chart, or other rewards. In many cases they DO need "Us", mum, dad, or both. And they need us uninterrupted and fully focused on them (not a book, a tv show, or some other activity) - even for half an hour.

My School Website

There has been an enormous amount of press in the past week about the Federal Government's "myschool" website, where schools are compared so parents can see whether or not their children are getting a "good" education, comparable with other similar socio-economic areas.

Does all of this really matter?

Well, yes - and no.

Why yes?

We want our children to be well educated. A quality education generally leads to better life outcomes, and every parent has this in mind for his or her kids. Plus, we pay our taxes and expect that the services those taxes are used for will be of a suitable standard.

Plus there are the arguments for greater accountability, more rigorous standards, and so on.

Why no?

Firstly, if you find out that your school is not performing as well as other similar schools you really have few options. Are you really going to move your family?

Secondly, there are many arguments against standardised testing and league tables due to a narrowing of teaching focus, and teachers "teaching to the test." In other words, teachers stop helping children become "learners", and instead just teach them what they have to know to make the school and the teacher look good at testing time. There are major differences between being taught for a test, and learning to love learning.

But for me, the biggest issue is that the league tables cannot tell us about the culture of a school. They don't emphasise how a child might fit in. They don't help us see the efforts particular teachers will go to in order to assist your child. And they ignore the importance of relationships.

Last year my children were attending a school that was "fine" by most standards. But we were concerned that our children were not developing a love of learning because of two key factors. First, there were some issues with other children in the classroom. And second, a couple of teachers weren't as enthusiastic about helping our children as we hoped.

These issues (and the emphasis parents put on education), more than scores on standardised tests, are important in choosing schools for children. If the children are happy, comfortable and secure, they are far more likely to find the learning process enjoyable and worthwhile.

Choosing a school based ONLY on test scores may seem like a good way to ensure your children gain a good education. But test scores ignore too many other important issues to be the only basis upon which such important decisions are made.

Wisdom in Parenting

Good advice for parents, among others, from William James - pioneer of modern psychology;

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."

Too often parents feel like they have to be the referee for every minor dispute or challenge in the home. Knowing when to step in, and when to stay out, is a skill that separates the best parents from others. (Knowing HOW to step in is another critical skill).

Do What Works to Win With Your Kids

I've been enjoying the opportunity to blog about my other passion in recent times at a blog called cyclingtips. I love parenting and teaching it will always be my number one focus. However, the cycling tips I've been sharing are great fun and in most cases, they actually translate across readily into the parenting domain. (Here's the most recent one).

Here's the same article, but in a parenting context rather than riding...

In two recent cycling articles, PRO riders indicated an important point that applies as much to riding a bike as it does to raising a child:


Simon Gerrans stated:

“I wish that I focused more on what I was good at earlier on... basically find out what you’re good and you’ll develop as you get older.”

This was echoed by Koen de Kort:

“Focus on what you’re good at… Just choose one thing.”

Traditionally those who coach others - including psychologists helping families - have often promoted a deficit-based approach. For example, a parent might say to his or her psychologist, “I’m no good at routine with the children” or "I struggle to be patient." Then the psychologist will suggest interventions to strengthen those abilities.

While it is important to manage all aspects of our parenting - and both patience and structure are important - the idea I'll make here taps into a different approach. Rather than focusing on improving weaknesses, I'm going to suggest that building on strengths will make you a better parent.

The name of this process is “appreciative inquiry.” Appreciative inquiry links in neatly with goal setting to provide a powerful platform for positive outcomes in any aspect of life you want to make better - and especially parenting.

Originally developed for the benefit of business, appreciative inquiry is built on the idea that if you focus on what works, you are able to build and improve that rather than forever focusing on fixing what is not working. (As an aside, there is merit in addressing weaknesses. However constantly working on weaknesses can often be demotivating. Progress is often slow, and the work is laborious and rarely fun. Working on strengths tends to enliven, and lift).

There are four steps to effective appreciative inquiry, and they apply as much in parenting as they do to businesses, cyclists, or to you personally.

1. Discover

The discovery phase of appreciative inquiry is where we identify what is working well. The role of parent makes our strengths readily visible and we can generally see quite clearly what is working and what is not. Talking honestly with those you are close to, and careful honest introspection and consideration will give you perspective on what your strengths are as a parent. Don't rush over this discovery phase as it sets up the remainder of your goal setting. You may discover that you're great with arranging activities, or perfect with patience. Or you may note that you can always find a soft and kind word, or demonstrate empathy. There is ALWAYS going to be something that you do well as a parent. Identify it. Discover it. Then we can start to use it to make things better for you and your family.

2. Dream

The dream process is where you begin to think about what your strengths will allow you to do. There is something enlivening about thinking about possibilities. And when we tap into our strengths, we become even more optimistic and positive. If your strength is your energy and passion when you are with your children, dream about how you can harness and direct that passion. Perhaps mornings can become the exciting foundation to your day, or Saturday's become the goal that everyone begins to be energised about in anticipation of time with you!

3. Design

This is the planning phase. Once we have identified what is working and worked out what the end goal is, we need a plan. Too many parents try to be good at everything. While that’s a great thing to be able to do, it’s really not feasible for most of us. Discover your strengths, dream about how you can utilise them, and then design a plan that will involve the family in being part of what you do well with them as often as possible. A good plan can only be developed if we know a) what we’re good at, and b) what we want. So design specifically for what you are good at.

4. Deliver (or Destiny)

This is the stage of appreciative inquiry when you go and get what you planned for. The fruits of all this work are in the delivery stage!

Where to from here?

Consider and discover your strengths. Dream about how you can utilise your strengths as a parent - you have more of them than you think! Design how you'll go about making your dream a reality plan by focusing on what you are good at. Do the work. Then go and take delivery of what you’ve worked for.