When your child tells you that he hates you

One of the most painful things that a parent can hear from a child is “I hate you.” Whether your child is a toddler or a teen, the words sting our soul. Our children use the expression as a release of ill-feeling when they are frustrated – usually at us – and things are not going well for them.

Our automatic response to hearing “I hate you” is defensiveness. We cringe, feel offended, and may even become angry that our child can be so ungrateful for all we do. Our feelings may be justified, but they are unhelpful.

Haim Ginott, one of the world’s most influential parenting educators, suggests that we help our children recognise that all of their feelings are ok, but certain behaviours are not. This means that if our child is feeling so upset she feels she hates us, that’s ok. The feeling is normal. Our child should not be shamed for having a strong emotion, and if we respond the right way, that emotion will go away far more quickly than if we respond the wrong way. It can also become an opportunity for us to teach our child, and grow closer to her.

How to respond

1.       Accept the fact that children will sometimes be overcome with negative emotion, and that those emotions are ok.

2.       Guide children through the emotion by showing that you understand how they feel, and why they feel it.

3.       Allow them the time and space to work through their emotion.

4.       Model loving behaviour – always. Even when you feel like you hate your child. Never say it yourself. (Your feelings are ok, and they are real. But your behaviour should be kind).

Here are some examples:

After your child becomes angry with you because you will not allow him to do what he wants, he screams, “I hate you.”

As the mature adult, you can respond kindly and gently by accepting the emotion and showing understanding. Get down on your child’s level, look him in the eyes, and offer understanding.

You might say something like:

“You feel angry about this don’t you. You feel really, really angry.”
“You wish mummy wouldn’t stop you doing that.”
“It’s ok to be upset. I know how badly you want to do what you want.”
 “Sometimes I can’t have what I want either, and it makes me angry too.”

These responses show your child you understand. He may remain upset, but showing understanding will typically reduce his anger anywhere from a moment to a minute in most cases.

After showing that you understand, don’t try to fix things. Allow your child space to work through the emotion. You might ask him if he wants a hug or if he wants to be left alone. Honour that preference.

Once he has calmed down, we can begin to guide our child towards better ways to act. (If you try to do this too soon, he will resist. Emotions will still be too high. Teaching is ineffective when people are experiencing big emotions.)

“It’s ok to be angry when things don’t go the way we want.
“How do you think I feel when you tell me you hate me? It makes me sad.
“What could you say to me instead?”

By accepting our children’s emotions, giving them time to work through them, and asking our child to think through the situation at a later, less emotional time, we can teach good ways to act. Through having our children begin to take our perspective, and gently guiding them to more appropriate ways of expressing their emotions (even while allowing the feelings to exist), we can reduce the likelihood that our children will tell us that they hate us.

PS – If our children hear us speak unkindly towards them, they are more likely to do the same. Children are remarkable mimics. (This also goes for what they see on tv and in the environment more generally, so if your children are consistently saying they hate you, it may be because they’re hearing it from you or from others nearby).

Am I Praising My Kids Too Much?

source: www.timcoulson.com

Recently I was asked the question: "Am I praising my children too much?"

We all love to be praised. It feels good. It makes us feel as though we’re doing something right. Praise is when we make positive statements to our children about who they are or what they’ve done.

Common sense says that when we praise our children for doing something, then they’ll do it more. That’s why there are so many psychologists and ‘experts’ out there saying we should catch our kids doing the right thing and praise them for it.

But they’re wrong.

What could possibly be wrong with that, you ask?

While on the surface, praising your children seems like the right thing to do – it isn’t. Let me quickly explain why, and then suggest why encouragement, support, and gratitude are far more effective.

How You Can Have MORE Influence By Being Less In Control

Source: www.timcoulson.com

Last year I posted a version of this article at mamamia.com.au. I've re-written the article and posted it again because of the large volume of questions and responses the article received. I'd love to hear your experiences and thoughts.

Whether you’re a parent, a school-teacher, or a workplace supervisor or manager, chances are you are required to influence people. As the ‘responsible adult’ you have a house, classroom, or business to run, and you need children (or adults) to do basic things to make it work.

What is your standard method of getting those results?

There are generally two ways that most people try to get others to do what needs to be done.

1.      Incentives, Rewards, Promises, and Praise

In many cases, we use a sugar-coated version of influence where we promise goodies like gold stars, financial incentives, praise, or other rewards for getting people to do the things you want them to do. Kind of like: “If you do this, you’ll get that.”

We can see this in almost every home, where star-charts dominate the fridge door, or compete for space on the cork board on the dining room wall. “Get enough stars and you’ll get a treat.”

The same goes in classrooms around the country, where too many stressed out teachers bribe students to behave in a manner consistent with the teacher’s need for control, and then offer early marks, class parties, and treats for kids’ compliance.

And around the nation, managers are consistently turning their workplaces into game shows in order to ‘influence’ staff to achieve sales targets and increase performance on a range of measures.

2.      Threats and Punishments

Then there’s the negative influence. We use threats, punishment, time-out, or aggression to demand compliance. Kind of like: “If you do this, you’ll get that.”

In parenting, I use the term ‘puffer-fish parenting’ to describe the way we blow ourselves up to scare our children into submission. We threaten to remove privileges, cancel play-dates, or hit our children when they fail to ‘be influenced’ by our requests.

In classrooms, teachers shout, or use ‘writing out lines’ or detention as a deterrent against deviation from prescribed rules.

The workplace can be similarly punitive, with various disciplinary strategies in place to keep employees compliant with policy, and in line with objectives.

The problem with power-based influence

The trouble is, the negative and positive versions of influence are the same thing – using our power to ‘influence’ (read: make someone comply with our wishes). In one case, we say “do this and you’ll get that” and we do it with a smile on our face. In the other case, we make the same statement – “do this and you’ll get that” – but it’s menacing.

Trouble is, you don’t like being told what to do, no matter how good and worthwhile it may be. And neither do those you have influence over, whether they are your children, students in a classroom, or your entire staff. The law of physics applies in relationships too – Force creates resistance.

How it works at home

Say, for example, a mother wants her child to learn the piano. The child starts lessons enthusiastically, but within a month or two the daily practice routine overrides the initial enthusiasm. The child refuses to practise. Predictably, the mother starts to use power to ‘influence’ (i.e., bribe, demand, threaten), and ultimately forces the child to do something he or she simply does not want to do!

The harder we push someone to do something they don’t want to do, the more likely it is that they’ll push back and insist that you can’t make them do anything. Invariably this leads to problems such as:

• The person will only act the ‘right’ way when the person who holds the power is in the room.
• An inability to regulate and control emotions (in children).
• Self esteem/Self worth issues.
• Bullying others. (Children whose parents use power-based strategies at home to force compliance are much more likely to be bullies, using these same strategies to force compliance in the schoolyard).

When we use ‘controlling’ techniques we do things to people to make them do what we want. But when someone makes you do something, do you feel good about it? Is there anything inside you that makes you feel like you’re on track? In most cases, the answer is no. We prefer to use our autonomy to make our own decisions about what we will do and when we will do it. We like to decide what needs to be done, rather than be dictated to.

The alternative to power-based influence

The alternative is to work with people by trying to understand their motivation and then explaining why we’re asking for a change – and leaving it up to their good judgement to make that change.

For example, my 12 year-old daughter was recently listening to a song that contained material my wife and I found highly objectionable.  

What were my alternatives?

If I were to use power-based influence to prevent her listening to that song I would have bribed or threatened her. Coercion is the language of power. My demands that she not listen to that music would have been met with resistance or it would have pushed the music listening ‘underground’. My threatening “don’t you ever let me hear you playing that song again” would have been met with “don’t worry dad, you won’t ever catch me listening to it.”

Power-based influence would be ineffective. It would be a quick-fix patch that never really addressed the underlying reasons for my objections.

Influence through understanding

Instead we talked about the song, why she liked it (catchy tune, all her friends sing it) and its content. My wife and I agreed that it was a terrific ‘sound’, and we could see how it was so popular.

Then we discussed values that mattered to all of us as a family. We asked lots of questions about what the song (and other songs) were about, and what messages they promoted. We asked how that made our daughter feel.

At the conclusion of our discussion our daughter said, “I’m going to have to delete lots of songs from my playlist.”

At no time was she asked to do that. She chose to do it autonomously. My wife and I had listened to her, we explained our reasons and she made the decision.

What the research says

Decades of research shows that if the relationship matters more than the outcome, the use of ‘control’ (whether negative or positive) is far less effective than autonomy supportive practices.

In spite of the research, many parents, bosses, and teachers feel like if they don’t remain in control it will all fall apart. But forcing people to do things creates resistance and leads to anger and deception. It ignores the person’s personal values and desires and it explicitly or implicitly threatens punishment. Even greater than that: it jeopardises relationships.

Certainly food for thought when you want to be an influence for good.

When Kids Decide – How Kids’ Councils can Improve Your Parenting

Source: www.timcoulson.com

Parents often find themselves acting in the role of policeman, prosecutor, judge, and jury. Children have conflicts, continually make requests, and seem to have endless issues that we think require our involvement.

And as parents, we feel as though it is our duty – a significant and weighty responsibility – to step in and solve problems, give answers, make decisions, and be involved in every situation. Most parents grow to resent the endless occurrences where their input is ‘needed’.

But do our children really need us to be involved with every facet of their lives?

In our home, we have instituted what we call ‘Kids’ Councils’.

Here’s how it works: When there is a problem, a minor conflict, or a decision to be made, we talk about it briefly as a family (so we, as parents, can give some simple and basic guidance). Then we send the kids off to a room, or a quiet outside area, and ask them to counsel with each other, negotiate, and come to an agreement on the best course of action.

You’d be surprised how well it works.

Here’s an example from our most recent one:

Getting Organised for a New School Year

Yesterday I was a guest on the TODAY show, talking about getting our kids ready for school. Given the timeliness of the discussion, I thought it might be worthwhile sharing a few points from the interview that might be useful.

One Week To Go

Get things organised.

• If you haven’t got them already, now is the time to have your kids sized up for their new school shoes.
• Make sure their uniforms fit. You want to be making alterations this week, and not on Monday morning.
• Ensure their bag is the right size, and in good enough condition for another year of heavy-duty use.
• Do a grocery shop this week and remember to grab those essential lunchbox items to keep the kids happy and fed at school.

You may also find it helpful to establish a routine a week early! Start putting the children to bed on time each night. Get them up at the same time they'd need to rise to be ready for school. Have them organise their room, get dressed, eat breakfast, and make any other preparations they'd normally need to - and have it done on time! That means that by the time school starts, they'll be familiar with what is expected, and will be in the right routine for it.

Social Preparation

It can be scary for children to go back to school and see a range of new people (especially for first-timers), or a host of old friends who have not had contact for two months. Find some time this week for some playdates with children who will be at school with your kids this week. It can soothe anxiety and set them up for social success as school starts again.

Dealing with anxiety

Have you ever been worried about something? 

If yes, has someone ever tried to reassure you by telling you "Don't worry, you'll be fine. There's nothing to be concerned about."?

 As you probably realised, that response didn't help you. It probably only reinforced that there was something to be nervous about!

If your kids are anxious about starting (or returning to) school, reassure them by doing the following things:

1. Acknowledge that sometimes school can make people nervous.
2. Ask them what they're most looking forward to about school.
3. Ask them who they're most looking forward to meeting, or playing with.
4. Ask them what they're most interested in learning about.

You'll notice that you're not doing any telling in these questions above. If we try to tell our kids something, they know we believe it, but they don't. When we ask them, we give them a chance to think about (and verbalise) what they believe.

These questions will focus our children on the positives. They'll see what's good about their upcoming school experience. They'll become optimistic children. And optimism is related to happiness, good social relationships, doing well at school, and reduced anxiety.

While there are some who choose not to send their children to school, for most of us, it is a necessary part of our children's lives. By organising ourselves effectively in the week leading up to school, we can make sure that our children experience a positive transition into their new routine.

Family Fitness - A Resolution that Might Just Work

On New Years Eve I had a conversation with a mum (we'll call her Maggie) about her health and fitness goal for 2012. Maggie said to me,

"I've tried to eat better, exercise more, and lose weight every year for a decade, but I just can't make it stick. I value my health, and I want to get it right. Why won't it work?"

My response was this:

"You don't really value your health.

"Or if you do, you value something else more.

"Perhaps you value sleeping in rather than getting up early to exercise. You value eating sweets more than abstaining, or eating fruit. You value overindulging in alcohol, rather than drinking more water.

"You can't complain about not getting what you say you want, and what you say you value. Your values are shown by your actions."

If we really value something, we make it at the top of our priority list. Whatever our goals are, they won't be achieved unless we focus on them - value them - above anything that would detract from them.

So if you've set some family fitness goals (or even personal fitness goals) for 2012, here are some ways to make it stick. Of course, as soon as you tell the kids it's time for some exercise, they groan. They don't want to turn off the tv or internet, the x-box, the i-pad, the DS, or whatever brainsucker they're feeding from. So they need to be engaged.

Doing Hard Things - A Family Theme for 2012

This year, Mrs. Happy Families and I have decided that our family is going to have a theme. It's something like a creed to live by. It's a principle - a value - that will be a guide throughout our activities and decisions in 2012.

In previous years we've done something similar. Our previous themes and guiding principles have included choosing an attitude of gratitude, finding ways to give service both in and out of our family, developing respect for one another, our belongings, and our community and environment, and showing kindness. Each has been successful, and has hopefully made us better people, and a stronger family.

This year, we've chosen the theme, "I can do hard things."

We want our children to develop persistence, fortitude, resilience, and a 'never-give-up' attitude.

Once a week, we'll be sitting down and talking about inspiring people who have done hard things. We'll talk about what made it hard, how they pushed through it, and what happened because of it. And we'll assess the hard things we're doing in our own lives to see if we're measuring up to our new standard.

Each of the children will take turns sharing their personal stories and the stories of people who have done hard things, gleaned from their own research - kind of like mini-projects to keep them thinking about it.

Have you had family themes before? Do you have one for 2012? What will your family's focus be for the next 12 months? How can you turn it into something that will inspire your family to learn, be better, and be more united?