When Kids Decide – How Kids’ Councils can Improve Your Parenting

Source: www.timcoulson.com

Parents often find themselves acting in the role of policeman, prosecutor, judge, and jury. Children have conflicts, continually make requests, and seem to have endless issues that we think require our involvement.

And as parents, we feel as though it is our duty – a significant and weighty responsibility – to step in and solve problems, give answers, make decisions, and be involved in every situation. Most parents grow to resent the endless occurrences where their input is ‘needed’.

But do our children really need us to be involved with every facet of their lives?

In our home, we have instituted what we call ‘Kids’ Councils’.

Here’s how it works: When there is a problem, a minor conflict, or a decision to be made, we talk about it briefly as a family (so we, as parents, can give some simple and basic guidance). Then we send the kids off to a room, or a quiet outside area, and ask them to counsel with each other, negotiate, and come to an agreement on the best course of action.

You’d be surprised how well it works.

Here’s an example from our most recent one:

Getting Organised for a New School Year

Yesterday I was a guest on the TODAY show, talking about getting our kids ready for school. Given the timeliness of the discussion, I thought it might be worthwhile sharing a few points from the interview that might be useful.

One Week To Go

Get things organised.

• If you haven’t got them already, now is the time to have your kids sized up for their new school shoes.
• Make sure their uniforms fit. You want to be making alterations this week, and not on Monday morning.
• Ensure their bag is the right size, and in good enough condition for another year of heavy-duty use.
• Do a grocery shop this week and remember to grab those essential lunchbox items to keep the kids happy and fed at school.

You may also find it helpful to establish a routine a week early! Start putting the children to bed on time each night. Get them up at the same time they'd need to rise to be ready for school. Have them organise their room, get dressed, eat breakfast, and make any other preparations they'd normally need to - and have it done on time! That means that by the time school starts, they'll be familiar with what is expected, and will be in the right routine for it.

Social Preparation

It can be scary for children to go back to school and see a range of new people (especially for first-timers), or a host of old friends who have not had contact for two months. Find some time this week for some playdates with children who will be at school with your kids this week. It can soothe anxiety and set them up for social success as school starts again.

Dealing with anxiety

Have you ever been worried about something? 

If yes, has someone ever tried to reassure you by telling you "Don't worry, you'll be fine. There's nothing to be concerned about."?

 As you probably realised, that response didn't help you. It probably only reinforced that there was something to be nervous about!

If your kids are anxious about starting (or returning to) school, reassure them by doing the following things:

1. Acknowledge that sometimes school can make people nervous.
2. Ask them what they're most looking forward to about school.
3. Ask them who they're most looking forward to meeting, or playing with.
4. Ask them what they're most interested in learning about.

You'll notice that you're not doing any telling in these questions above. If we try to tell our kids something, they know we believe it, but they don't. When we ask them, we give them a chance to think about (and verbalise) what they believe.

These questions will focus our children on the positives. They'll see what's good about their upcoming school experience. They'll become optimistic children. And optimism is related to happiness, good social relationships, doing well at school, and reduced anxiety.

While there are some who choose not to send their children to school, for most of us, it is a necessary part of our children's lives. By organising ourselves effectively in the week leading up to school, we can make sure that our children experience a positive transition into their new routine.

Family Fitness - A Resolution that Might Just Work

On New Years Eve I had a conversation with a mum (we'll call her Maggie) about her health and fitness goal for 2012. Maggie said to me,

"I've tried to eat better, exercise more, and lose weight every year for a decade, but I just can't make it stick. I value my health, and I want to get it right. Why won't it work?"

My response was this:

"You don't really value your health.

"Or if you do, you value something else more.

"Perhaps you value sleeping in rather than getting up early to exercise. You value eating sweets more than abstaining, or eating fruit. You value overindulging in alcohol, rather than drinking more water.

"You can't complain about not getting what you say you want, and what you say you value. Your values are shown by your actions."

If we really value something, we make it at the top of our priority list. Whatever our goals are, they won't be achieved unless we focus on them - value them - above anything that would detract from them.

So if you've set some family fitness goals (or even personal fitness goals) for 2012, here are some ways to make it stick. Of course, as soon as you tell the kids it's time for some exercise, they groan. They don't want to turn off the tv or internet, the x-box, the i-pad, the DS, or whatever brainsucker they're feeding from. So they need to be engaged.

Doing Hard Things - A Family Theme for 2012

This year, Mrs. Happy Families and I have decided that our family is going to have a theme. It's something like a creed to live by. It's a principle - a value - that will be a guide throughout our activities and decisions in 2012.

In previous years we've done something similar. Our previous themes and guiding principles have included choosing an attitude of gratitude, finding ways to give service both in and out of our family, developing respect for one another, our belongings, and our community and environment, and showing kindness. Each has been successful, and has hopefully made us better people, and a stronger family.

This year, we've chosen the theme, "I can do hard things."

We want our children to develop persistence, fortitude, resilience, and a 'never-give-up' attitude.

Once a week, we'll be sitting down and talking about inspiring people who have done hard things. We'll talk about what made it hard, how they pushed through it, and what happened because of it. And we'll assess the hard things we're doing in our own lives to see if we're measuring up to our new standard.

Each of the children will take turns sharing their personal stories and the stories of people who have done hard things, gleaned from their own research - kind of like mini-projects to keep them thinking about it.

Have you had family themes before? Do you have one for 2012? What will your family's focus be for the next 12 months? How can you turn it into something that will inspire your family to learn, be better, and be more united?

Kids who are maltreated have the same brain patterns as combat soldiers

Last week I came across a news release from The University College, London, that gave some scary information about a new study published in Current Biology:

Maltreated children show same pattern of brain activity as combat soldiers

The article explained that children exposed to family violence show the same pattern of activity in their brains as soldiers exposed to combat.

The study that is reported shows fMRI (functional MRI) brain scans of children who suffer physical abuse and domestic violence. The researchers found that exposure to family violence was associated with increased brain activity in two specific brain areas (the anterior insula and the amygdala) when children viewed pictures of angry faces.

Previous fMRI studies that scanned the brains of soldiers exposed to violent combat situations have shown the same pattern of heightened activation in these two areas of the brain, which are associated with threat detection.

The authors suggest that both maltreated children and soldiers may have adapted to be 'hyper-aware' of danger in their environment.

However, the anterior insula and amygdala are also areas of the brain implicated in anxiety disorders. The changes that occur in the brains of children exposed to family violence are at greater risk of developing anxiety problems later in life.

In the study, which is published in the journal Current Biology, 43 children had their brains scanned using an fMRI scanner. 20 children who had been exposed to documented violence at home were compared with 23 matched peers who had not experienced family violence. The average age of the maltreated children was 12 years old and they had all been referred to local social services in London.

When the children were in the scanner they were presented with pictures of male and female faces showing sad, calm or angry expressions.

The children had only to decide if the face was male or female - processing the emotion on the face was incidental.

As described, the children who had been exposed to violence at home showed increased brain activity in the anterior insula and amygdala in response to the angry faces.

The researchers stated that "The next step for us is to try and understand how stable these changes are. Not every child exposed to family violence will go on to develop a mental health problem; many bounce back and lead successful lives. We want to know much more about those mechanisms that help some children become resilient."

This study is perhaps unsurprising. However, when I came across it, I thought it was a powerful and poignant reminder of just how much we, as parents, need to be aware of our interactions with our children. Consistent violence exposure causes their brains to function as if they were combat soldiers. 

Abuse and Neglect Rising in Australian Homes

Just came across this report from the Australian Institute of Family Studies. The report indicates that child protection notifications in Australia have risen from 42, 695 (at a rate of 10.4 per 1000 children) in 1989-1990 to 286, 437 (at a rate of 56.2 per 1000 children) in 2009-2010.

Similarly, while 12, 406 children (3 per 1000) were in some form of out-of-family care due to protection issues in 1989-1990, in 2009-2010 the number had increased to 35, 895 (7 children per 1000).

So is this good or bad?

Well, it's tragic. But there is something of a positive aligned with it.

First, the negative: The numbers are going up because there is more abuse, neglect, and harm befalling our nation's children. There is no denying it, and no glossing over it. Numbers like this are a disgrace. Nearly 300, 000 children in Australia are in such awful circumstances that child protection agencies in this country are being notified about it. (We have just over 5 million young people in Australia, aged 0-17). One is too many, but a rate of close to 5% of children suffering this is an indictment on our society.

But - there is something to take from this. Australians are more willing than ever before to report abuse, neglect and harm. We have better capability for responding to it. And we have more resources to rescue children.

This is small comfort, however, for anyone who is a child, or anyone with an interest in our children. It seems that we have increased the number of ambulances at the bottom of the cliff. We need to build better fences at the top of the cliff to help parents look after their kids better.

Our kids don't need that much. Sure they're exhausting. Yes, they reduce opportunities to do what we want. But if we exercise some self control, give them our focus and attention, remain warm and sensitive, set limits and teach them patiently, and love them and show it, these numbers would reduce significantly.

How Do YOUR Children Make You Feel Special?

A good friend of mine was going through her children's art box. In the box she found a picture one of her children (who will remain nameless) drew for her.

How do your children make you feel special?