Is there a 'right way' to parent?

Many parents have uttered, or at least heard the old cliché “Wouldn’t it be great if the children came with an owner’s manual.”

Parenting can be tough at times – even tougher with some children – and a ready reference might be handy. Of course, most people probably wouldn’t use it. Especially men.

One of the assumptions of this idea is that there must be a ‘right way’ to parent. If a manual existed, surely this would mean that there is a right way. Books, magazines, blogs, and careers have been built on the idea that if parents follow a particular parenting strategy they’ll raise happy and obedient children, and that the pain will be taken out of parenting... So is there a right way, a magic formula?

I suggest that there are some general rules that parents can follow, and if used persistently parents will be more effective and their children will be more responsive and positive. These four things will make a big difference. They are evidence-based practices that bring about good outcomes in children.

But are these rules an instruction manual? Are they the ‘right way’?

My response to this is that context matters. There will be some times when some of these rules may be more or less applicable. And there will be times when, as a parent, you are simply incapable of doing it all!

What matters most is that these general rules are the dominant pattern with which you parent. Based on several decades of research, they are the closest thing we have to a right way. And while they may be universally considered as ‘right’, there is still a lot of scope for each parent to do each of these things their way.

Rule 1
Simply be there. Your child needs you to be present. Nothing reassures a child of your love more than being together with you. To a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Rule 2
More often than not parents dismiss and discourage their children’s emotions, particularly when they are strong and ‘negative’. Research shows, however, that parents who work with their children’s emotions have children who have more moderate emotions, regulate their emotions better, and soothe themselves faster. This requires parents to help children label their emotions, understand their emotions, and work through their emotions. Empathy, perspective taking, and understanding are rule 2.

Rule 3
One of the biggest predictors of positive outcomes in children relates to the way they are ‘disciplined.’ To discipline means to ‘teach’. Unfortunately our most common teaching techniques do little for truly educating our children. If we change the language we use regarding teaching our children, we can change our behaviour. Rather than ‘discipline’, I emphasise the importance of ‘guidance’. The concept of guiding a child feels very different to disciplining or teaching. When we guide we spend time. We go slowly. We are more likely to work with our child, rather than do things to him.

Rule 4
Remember that love, compassion, and warmth will always trump anger, impatience, and coldness. Our children will grow up healthy and positive when they know of their intrinsic value. This can only happen when they feel that assurance, pervasively, from us.