In most supermarkets today, while you are reading this, a two year-old is having a tantrum, screaming at the top of his voice, “I WANT A LOLLIPOP” over and over again.

Meanwhile, his mother is feeling a mixture of frustration, embarrassment, and anger. She is frustrated because she can’t get him to calm down. She feels embarrassed because she knows that everyone is staring at her and wondering why she cannot control her child. And she feels anger because her son is screaming and won’t stop, she feels judged, and she just wants to do the shopping in peace!

It is a well-known fact, regularly bemoaned (and laughed about) in parenting books and blogs, that toddlers tantrum. And those tantrums can be extremely difficult to deal with. They’re irrational – at least to us. They scream, they squirm about on the floor, stomp feet and kick legs, and throw things!

Tantrums can occur for a host of reasons. In our minds, as parents, those reasons are rarely justified. After all... who cares what colour spoon you eat your Weet-Bix off?

But in the mind of our two or three year-old, the reasons are always rational. And IMPORTANT!

At around the age of two our children have an enormous explosion of brain development. With this development comes increased independence and personal preferences. However our young children still have a limited understanding of what is going on in the world around them, are challenged and confused by the emotions they feel, and have next to no grasp of why their parents would want something for them aside from what they already want for themselves!

When your toddler (or teenager, or even your mother) has a tantrum, the following ideas can be helpful:

Remember that tantrums usually come from a lack of understanding or control.

Your toddler is probably feeling frustrated, misunderstood, or frightened. Of course in some situations your toddler may be pushing boundaries, but again, this typically comes from frustration rather than a desire to be upsetting and inconvenient.

Don’t try to fix things while emotions are high.

While children are in the peak of their emotions they will not want to talk – they want to scream! It’s mum and dad’s job to just be there for them. Of course hugging or holding your child is what you will feel least like doing, but this will often make the greatest difference. Sometimes your child may not wish to be held. If this is the case, it may be better to sit or stand quietly nearby and let him know you can hug him as soon as he’s ready.

Look into your child’s heart. Try and see things from your child’s perspective.

Perspective taking may help you to recognise that your daughter is throwing a fit, not because you won’t carry her around, but because she is tired. (Often our children are guilty of tantrums due to being tired or hungry).She’s not having a tantrum to create inconvenience in your afternoon. It’s because her world doesn’t feel right to her for some reason. As we see things from our children’s perspective we are more likely to have compassion towards them, and deal more effectively with their tantrums.

Help your child identify the emotions he is feeling.

As your child is helped to label the emotion it can help to normalise the feelings being experienced. Your child can identify it, understand it, and regulate it.

Consider your options – and no, I’m not talking about being angry, walking out, or spanking!

In some cases you might be best to stick to your guns over the issue at stake. At other times your child may be objecting to a decision you made that was not fair. Consider whether saying ‘no’ is absolutely necessary. What alternatives are there? We may be saying ‘no’ to lollies at the shops, but perhaps we could say ‘yes’ to some fruit, some bread, or another healthier treat.


If your child’s tantrum is in response to you saying “no” to something and you’re sticking to it, remain compassionate and empathic.

When it comes to tantrums, the most common parenting advice is to ignore it and it will go away. Many ‘experts’ will argue that you should not give attention to negative behaviour.

But this advice is poorly directed.

It says that the child is not worthy of your time or affection when you judge her behaviour as poor. With the limited verbal, cognitive, and behavioural skills that toddlers possess, it’s hard for them to do anything but tantrum when they don’t like something.

Getting upset with the child, or turning away from him will inevitably turn the tantrum into a power struggle. The more we attempt to control our children’s behaviour, particularly during a tantrum, the more they will fight our efforts.

If our child is experiencing strong emotions then there’s every chance that they need our attention. Rather than turning away from them (ignoring them), or turning against them (getting frustrated with them), we can turn toward them and offer the emotional support and first-aid to work through their challenges.

In most cases, our love will resolve the temper crises – without screaming, throwing, kicking, stomping, or tears (and that’s just from the parents!). Plus, when we respond maturely, we teach our children effective ways of dealing with big emotions. A bonus for every family.

PS - In most cases, if we do a 'good enough' job helping them work through their tantrums, they'll generally grow out of it by age four or five. :)