In a recent unscientific poll that I took with a roomful of parents, nearly 100% of those parents agreed that the one thing that really really made them mad (to do with their kids) was... asking, and asking, and asking again for some simple task to be done.

"They should just do it the first time!"

Wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to nag? Imagine if we spoke and - hey presto - the children complied. Our homes would be, well, heavenly.

However, our children are not automatons, nor are they robots or slaves. They are people. They have preferences, priorities, and minds of their own.

The ironic thing is that children are not the only ones who need to be reminded - again, and again, and again - to do something. Sometimes we, the perfect adults, also need reminding.

Need proof?

Jennine and Ian, two friends of mine, shared the following story with me. Both are definitely grown-ups. They're parents, employed, intelligent, terrific people. Nothing dysfunctional so far...

Jennine has a habit of making herself a cup of tea and dropping the used teabag into the sink. Her husband, Ian, has asked, and asked, and asked, and begged, and pleaded with Jennine to put her used teabags IN THE BIN!!!  NOT THE SINK!!!

Unsuccessfully.

Ian asked Jennine EVERY DAY for 51 DAYS to do this simple task after making her cup of tea. Jennine wasn't trying to torture Ian. She didn't mean to upset him. Truth be told, Jennine didn't recall being asked, or thought she had properly dealt with the teabag issue each day.  

One of 51 teabags left in Jennine and Ian's sink on consecutive days. Photo courtesy of Ian.

For 51 days Ian catalogued the teabag controversy with a photograph. The photographs were presented to Jennine in an album (with the title "seething resentment") when Ian simply could not stand it any longer.

Grown ups seem to be as susceptible to the issue of not doing as they're asked the first time they're asked to do it, just like our children. Perhaps it's human nature? Especially in lives so full of busy-ness and distraction.

So what is the solution?

Many parent's typical response is to do a puffer-fish impersonation by blowing up as big as we can. Then we do our Big Bad Wolf impersonation by huffing and puffing and creating a commotion.

It is true that our loud and angry tirade usually gets things done, but it comes at a cost. Anger always does. In this case, the cost is substantial emotional damage as collateral. We harm our relationships with our children (or spouse) when we are angry.

I suggest the following:

Attribute the best possible motives we can to our children (or husband, or employee, etc). 

Perhaps they didn't hear us. Perhaps they were so involved in what they were doing that they forgot. Perhaps they don't know how to do it.

Ask them again in a way you know they understand.

Crouching down on the floor, looking into their eyes, and holding their hand you can easily and clearly restate your request. You can ensure that they have heard, that they understand, and that they are capable. You may even ask them how they plan to do it, when, and whether there are any obstacles to it occurring.

Use gentle reminders.

Call your child by name. When you have your child's attention name the issue, say please, and wait.

A good friend, Dr. Wally Goddard, described an experience where a gentle reminder could have been used, but was not. He was in his neighbour's garage, talking with his neighbour. The man's son (around 7 years old) rode into the garage, jumped off his bike, dropped it on the ground, and ran out. In an incredible turn of emotion, the man went from being perfectly amiable to furious in just one second. The man yelled at his son, demanding he "Come back here right now!"

The young boy turned and slowly walked to his dad, shoulders down, eyes looking at the ground. The man picked his son up, held him above his head, shook him, and shouted, "How many times have I told you? Your bike does NOT belong on the ground! Put it away where it belongs!" Then he shoved him back on the ground. The boy scampered to the bike and put it away.

Was the job done? Yes. The bike ended up exactly where it should in the way it should.

So it worked? Reluctantly, we admit that yes it did work.

But what did it do to the relationship between a boy and his dad? Is there a better way?

Imagine if the man had called out, "Hey Caleb!" As the boy turned around his dad might have said, "Your bike please."

I suggest that Caleb would have quickly returned to the garage, perhaps sheepishly, and put his bike away with no outbursts from either father or son, no embarrassing tirade, and no hurt feelings.

A gentle reminder is just that - a gentle reminder.

"Jennine, your teabag please."
"Justin, your shoes please."
"Jackson, your ball please."
"Chloe, your bedroom please."

Will it be done first time everytime? No. But persistent use of gentle reminders will get things done, better, faster, and more lovingly than most other methods. Kindness rather than anger, patience rather than self-righteous tut-tutting, gentleness rather than abrasive outbursts. These approaches reduce nagging, and offer simple solutions to the endless need to get things done.

What are some of your loving ways of avoiding nagging but still getting things done?