A Blog for the Sleep-Deprived Parent
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Finally, on Monday night there was no more bike racing. I was convinced that I could catch up on all that sleep. I was ready for bed by 8pm.
8PM!!!
As I slid between the sheets I smiled, so pleased that I was assured of at least 9.5 hours. Kylie was next to me, giving our 15-month-old daughter, Lilli, her final feed for the night. All was right with the world... until
Lilli decided she would not go to sleep. We tried everything, and finally, at around 1am, we had success. This awful, horrible, no good, terribly bad night has prompted this blog.
Sleep deprivation is a parent’s worst enemy. Research (and experience) shows that when we are tired, we can become pretty lousy parents. We become grouchy and impatient. We lack compassion and empathy. We find it hard to be kind.
This article is about what to do when your toddler will not go to sleep, whether it’s at 9pm, 1am, or 4am.
Understand the Reasons
Why is your toddler awake when you are convinced he should be sleeping? Sometimes it can be easy to overlook the obvious. Your toddler may be
- Hungry
- Uncomfortable (Too hot, too cold, dirty nappy)
- Teething
- Not tired
Or there may be some other reason that your toddler won’t sleep. But there’s usually always a reason. Most young children do not want to stay awake to be inconvenient, or because their favourite show is on at 9.30pm.
Consider Possible Solutions
Sometimes the solutions are obvious. If your toddler won’t sleep, try to feed him. He’ll let you know straight away if he’s hungry. Checking his nappy or the room temperature can help with comfort issues, and a teething cream or pain relief can be useful for teething. (You can almost certainly know whether your child has teething pain by the way she responds when you pick her up. If she remains irritable there is a good chance that it is teething. If she settles quickly then it is likely she just wanted some extra love.)
There are three other solutions to toddler sleep issues that are popular with parents. Each has advantages and disadvantages.
Solution 1: Let Your Child Work out His/Her Sleep Patterns
If your child is simply not tired, it may be worthwhile taking her out of bed and letting her have some quiet time for a short while until she begins to show signs of tiredness.
An example
Damien and Jessica were ready for an early night but after three or four minutes of listening to their 19 month-old son scream, they realised that he was not. They got him out of his cot and tried to feed him. He was not interested in food or a bottle, and his nappy was clean.
Jessica was certain he was not teething, and so she and Damien settled into the couch and let James, their son, wander around the room and play for close to forty minutes. They kept the television off to reduce stimulation. They left the lights low. And they read and spoke quietly with one another, paying attention to James when he needed it, but generally trying to minimise distractions for him.
Eventually James picked up his blanket and walked to Jessica with outstretched arms. She tried to feed him one more time, and put him to bed. He cried for a few minutes, and then settled himself and went to sleep.
Solution 2: Camping out
This strategy involves mum or dad placing a chair near the baby’s cot, and helping the baby learn to settle alone, rather than through feeds, patting off to sleep, or seemingly endless cuddles.
On the first night, place your child in her cot and pat her to sleep. After a few nights of this strategy your baby will be used to this.
Next, place your child in the cot at bedtime and sit beside her, but do not touch her.
After a few nights of this strategy, do the same thing but with your chair about a metre from the cot.
Progressively move the chair further from the cot until you are no longer needed. (This may take a couple of weeks). If the baby wakes during the night, return to the chair and continue based on the point in the camp-out strategy that you are up to.
Keep in mind that you should not stimulate your child. This means no talking, cuddling, tickling, or playing. Try to avoid eye-contact as this can be exciting for your baby. And it is best if you avoid picking the baby up. You are there to comfort your child. Be aware that your baby may cry a lot. If your toddler becomes distressed, go back one step until she is ready to move to the next step.
Solution 3: Control Crying
This strategy is controversial as it involves using a clock to ‘time’ your baby as he screams. It is often distressing for parents, and for children. It should not be used on children before the age of 6-9 months (although some would say ever). Here’s how it works:
Say goodnight to your child and put him into his cot. Spend one minute of quiet time together. This may involve you whispering or singing, or even patting him. After one minute of your baby being quiet, leave the room.
Your baby may be upset. If this is only minor ignore it. If crying follows, wait for a given amount of time and then go back in.
The first time you leave the room, allow two minutes of crying. If he cries for two minutes, return, sing, talk, pat, and soothe him until he has been quiet for one minute. Then leave the room.
Next time, wait four minutes before you return. Soothe him until he’s been quiet for one minute, and then leave the room again.
Next time wait eight, then ten, twelve, and fifteen minutes before re-entering the room and providing soothing for one minute. In each case, he needs to be quiet for one minute before you leave. And it is essential that you are out of the room before he’s asleep.
The routine can also be used in the daytime and if the baby wakes again at night. And never use this method if your child is sick.
In spite of the screaming and apparent distress, there are presently no studies published in peer-reviewed scholarly journals that suggest that this technique is harmful to a child.
Summary
Sleep deprivation is tough on kids and on parents. There are various ways that we can promote good sleeping patterns in our children, and we should select the method that we are most comfortable with and see if it will work in our family. Most important, however, is that as parents we need to remain calm, and keep our baby’s distress to a minimum. Low stress means everyone sleeps better.
Personally, I could never do the 'control-crying' method. I can't stand it if my child cries for five seconds. I hate to contemplate being the cause of all of that distress. Since our unfortunate night, we have opted for solution two - the camping out method. This works nicely because we get to be there and give our daughter good 'vibes' as she goes to sleep. And it's relaxing for us too.
What's worked best for you as you've worked through the sleep issues you have faced with your toddlers?
4 comments:
I think you'll find that there is research to show that controlled crying is harmful for a babies brain development. It can negatively effect the emotional part of their brain. Margot Sunderland is the author of The Science of Parenting and has done research to show this. Well worth a read.
From personal experience, friends were so disparate they tried controlled crying and crying it out (even worse) when their boy was 1 year old. Dad did this because Mum refused - she went and slept in their van. After a few nights she stormed in saying she wasn't sleeping anyway with the knowledge that her son was spending long periods of the night crying. They gave up on that and their son shunned his Dad for 6 months! Wouldn't hug him, didn't want a bar of him. He is a sensitive wee boy. This technique may work with more resilient children, but why should they have to be that resilient!
Having just found this blog I am disappointed that it shares a controlled crying technique. :(
Hi Anna
Thanks for your response. While I strongly agree with your perspective in principle, unfortunately there is simply no strong research base to support the view that Sunderland presents.
Theoretically and ideologically, I am opposed - strongly - to the controlled crying technique. Perhaps I have not stated that clearly enough in my post.
Nevertheless, in spite of my fundamental opposition to it, current research shows that it can be an effective technique to train a baby to go to sleep. Moreover, multiple studies involving large samples demonstrate that baby sleep patterns are vastly improved, and so is mother's emotional state. It also reduced maternal depression.
I tried it once with one of my five kids. The emotional trauma that I personally went through - and my wife - was similar to what you described in your comment about your friends. I can't bear to let my kids cry and be distressed, and so we found alternative techniques that were far more compassionate and peaceful to accomplish the same result.
As a parenting expert I readily share my opinion, but I have to also acknowledge what the evidence presently says. I wish your view (and mine) was supported in the literature.
But please note, I do not and will not advocate controlled crying.
Thanks for your response Justin. It is a shame that research has to be peer-reviewed and of a substantial size to be considered 'valid'. It's also a shame that our innate instincts have been clouded by 'research' and a society that is becoming more and more selfish - new parents believing that they should not experience any discomfort.
I agree that in some cases (depression being a very obvious one) a mother (or father, but it's normally mum) may need to use a form of controlled crying in order to get some sleep/sanity, sense of self back. Unfortunately it (CC) seems to have become the standard way to get your baby to sleep. Rereading your post I see that you don't advocate it and seem to explain it begrudgingly. Phew! Thanks. :)
Thanks for that Anna. Research is a challenging pastime. But those peer-reviewed articles that are replicated again and again with large samples are why we have what we do. Nevertheless, I suspect that at least part of the reason that Controlled Crying has not been shown to create negative outcomes may relate to the outcomes that are measured.
Many parents (myself included) find it far too distressing and choose alternatives that are similarly effective but far less upsetting for baby and parent.
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