Go the '#*@%' to Sleep - There are better options
Thursday, 14 July 2011
In recent weeks a new book has taken the parenting world by storm. It is called "Go the F%*# to Sleep". The author was having a rough night with his baby. Exasperated and sleep deprived, he used that line as his facebook status, got a stack of 'likes' from it, and decided there must be a book in it. He's now sold over half a million copies.
When I first heard of the book I could see how it was appealing to so many sleep-deprived parents. But something inside me found it offensive - and not just because of the title. I didn't think too much about it, but decided I wouldn't blog about it because that would just give the book more publicity.
Now, as I sit in bed at 2.30am, having had all of two hours sleep tonight due to a screaming, irritable, and very loud 16-month old daughter, I finally know why my heart and mind rebelled against the book.
For the past three hours my daughter has screamed - wailed might be a better term. My wife and I have taken it in turns trying to pacify her, I have taken her for a long drive, we have fed her, held her, fed her again, changed her, fed her some more, and tried, tried, tried to put her to sleep a half-dozen times. During this time, and in spite of our best efforts, we have been screamed at by a tired and unhappy daughter. And I have had to fight my inner voice that has suddenly started saying "Go the HELL to sleep" (because I don't use that 'other' word).
But isn't the book just a bit of fun?
There are two things that are making this book popular. First, it's a light-hearted way of acknowledging that all parents have absolutely horrible nights. Second, parents can read it and find solidarity with another parent who is at his or her wits end, tired out of their brains, and who just wants that child to go to sleep!
That's normal. But here's where things go wrong:
The book is all about 'me'. It emphasises my needs over the needs of my child. It promotes a selfish attitude that engenders resentment towards the child. It creates a feeling of anger towards the child for being so inconsiderate. It fosters an entitlement orientation that puts my needs as a parent above the needs of my child.
Do we all have these feelings when our child won't sleep? Of course. It's normal. It's painful. And yes... we all want our child to go to sleep. I know for a fact that tomorrow my wife and I are not going to be at our best. It will probably be a tough day.
But it can help to think about why our child is awake all night, screaming, and refusing to be pacified.
In my case, teething is a major issue. Our daughter has been cutting some pretty nasty molars. In addition, we've been out of our house (and our routine) for the past three days. That's got to play some part in all of this. Oh, and our floorboards have just been sanded and polished. The house still has a pretty strong smell of polyurethane.
Lastly, in the past thirty minutes we've decided not to force the issue. Putting her back to bed is just resulting in more screaming. It's also waking up everyone else in the house, resulting in more dramas. Perhaps, for whatever ridiculous reason, our baby is simply not tired. Right now she's having a great time climbing, running, and generally being the kind of nuisance that toddlers love to be.
There is another book that may be more helpful at this hour of the night when everything is going crazy...
It's called, "The real baby book you need at 3am" by Sydney mum Karen Miles. Instead of fostering anger and entitlement, the book helps to reset your emotionally charged night and sets you up to deal with a challenging, sleep-deprived toddler.
Karen reminds us that:
it’s hard to think clearly when you’re sleep deprived. Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s a tough gig and you’re doing the best you can
What you are doing right now is the most important thing you can be doing
You're probably not the only mum who's up right now.
In the time it's taken me to type this blog our little girl has decided that perhaps she is tired after all. Kylie is feeding her (again), the house is quiet, and there is a certain calm. It always comes - eventually.
We would prefer to have been sleeping all this time. 'Go the $#*@ to sleep' would not help us tonight. But focusing on the gentle, compassionate advice in 'The real baby book you need at 3am' has meant that as we gaze at our little girl as she finally succumbs to her tiredness, we have feelings of tenderness, compassion, and love. And I'll take that anytime - even at 2.45am.
9 comments:
Thank you for this post - I'm going to have a look at her book. I like the sound of it. And I must admit the 'joke' of 'Go The ...' wore thin very quickly.
I think both books have a place. One is about maintaining a sense of humour - I really had a good laugh at the GTFTS book which when sleep deprived is good tonic in itself. Laughter is the best medicine they say. The other (and numerous other books like it) is about some real practical useful things that you can do that might help (or not!).
Thanks for writing this, Justin. The paragraph that starts with "The book is all about 'me'..." summarizes what, for me, is the difference between a pleasant overall parenting experience and a negative one.
LOL @ it all......I have a 4 year old, a 7 month old and a husband that snores like a hibernating bear using a chain saw as background noise, so I am often sleep deprived for various reasons. My sister brought me that book recently and I DIED laughing. I felt it should be a part of a trilogy sandwiched between"what the f**k are you doing?!" and "aww s**t, not again". I say that to say this: though we think and feel these thing, in no way does it means that we neglect, ignore or mistreat our children. We feel it but no one ever really speaks about it (to other mothers/parents), which often times contributes to parents feeling bad for thinking such things. Though I care about my children and their needs, and try to meet them all there are DAYS and NIGHTS that I THINK please just "GO THE F#@K to SLEEP
I just wish that parents would be more open about their feelings the good, BAD and UGLY. We already hold ourselves up to these impossibly high standards as parents we are afraid of the judgement of other parent, lets just be REAL: being a parent isn't always roses sometimes IT STINKS and it doesnt make us bad people or parents, nor does it mean we love our kids any less.........
Nice post. I agree with Megan. The part about it 'being all about me...' is the problem. too many parents actually belief that their need for sleep is more important than their child's distress. The time that our children take to learn to sleep between 2-3 yrs normally is really quite a short time in our long lives! I guess if you have 5 children then it does add up! We have chosen to have children and children take time to learn how to sleep. That's just how it is!!! :)
Hi Laurel,
Thanks so much for commenting. It's great to have so many opinions. Just to clarify, though, lest you think my position may change as my baby gets older, my eldest daughter (I have five of them) is twelve years old now, so I've been through it plenty.
As Megan and Anna have noted... GTFTS is promoting (in an arguably very funny way) a mindset that turns parents away from their kids, rather than towards them.
My apologies for assuming this post was about your first child. . . I just know that I got such a laugh out of the book because on some level it's nice to know there's others who are going through the same frustrations that I am with trying to get a toddler to sleep (who really wants to do anything but that!) I have never let my child cry-it-out, and always try to put myself in his position when he is angry, upset, or yes, won't sleep. Most of the lines from the book I have said to myself at one time or another, but would I act on the? Never. Do I feel like this book promotes turning away from my child? No. In my opinion, laughter is the best medicine. But that is just my opinion, and I should not make assumptions or give advice to others without knowing the whole story.
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