Last week one of my blog posts addressed the idea that we can influence our children by supporting their autonomy, rather than controlling them through coercion. (It was cross-posted at www.mamamia.com.au at this link here.)

One reader, Julie, asked the following:

I was wondering if you had any thoughts on what this type of "guidance" would look like with a younger child?

I love the example with your 11 year old, but clearly she has the cognitive skills, the relationship with you and the maturity to think through the issues herself. My children are 3, 2 and 8 months.

How would this type of guidance play out in a situation of say, encouraging a 3-year-old to get ready to go out, or stop "wrestling" her brother when he is clearly not enjoying it!?

Research shows that children in this younger age group (pre four years old) really do not understand what other people are thinking and feeling. The ability to accurately take another person's perception develops somewhere between the ages of four and five years for most children.

To illustrate, a study published this week in the prestigious journal Child Development demonstrated how young children understand another person's motives.

In the study, 90 children between three and five years watched an adult give another person some advice about the location of a hidden sticker. This was done several times. The adult giving the information was either a helper (gave correct advice), or a tricker (gave incorrect advice).

After watching the helpers and the trickers, the children were introduced to these same people and given advice on where to find stickers. The three-year-olds generally took all advice from both helpers and trickers. They made no distinction in spite of having seen the tricker do the tricking previously. Four-year-olds, while a little more skeptical than the younger children, also showed no preference for advice from helpers over trickers, even though they differentiated between helpers and trickers when asked about the person's motives.

It took until the children were five-year-olds before a systematic preference to accept advice from helpers became apparent. The five-year-olds were capable of making mental state inferences that younger children were not.

So, armed with that knowledge - kids under four or five are so egocentric that they will not really understand your motives, even with explanation - we can see that trying to coerce them into a certain way of behaving will be ineffective. But we can't just let them have whatever they want either. We still need to set limits. That is a vital function of parenting. Here are a few things we can do to really work effectively with our children, even at a toddler and pre-school level.

1. Practice it anyway

Hang on! If it doesn't work, why would I go to all the effort of explaining my perspective? They're not going to understand it.

Researchers have consistently found that young children who have parents that take the time to both listen to their child, and who explain the reasons for asking what they want the child to do, actually develop the capacity for perspective taking and understanding others at an earlier age than parents who are demanding and coercive. Children are even more likely to pick it up earlier if we include questions like, "Why is mummy asking you this?", or "How does your brother feel when you bite him?" Such questions encourage perspective taking, and can help develop empathy.

2. Offer choices - and understanding

"You're saying you don't like this dinner. In our family, we eat healthy food (or we try new things). Would you like to feed yourself dinner, or would you prefer me to feed you?"

"I see you want to stay up with your older brother and his friends. That would be fun wouldn't it. Now, would you like mummy or daddy to tuck you in?"

Ultimately, someone has to be the parent and set limits. But we can offer as much autonomy as possible, and we can be understanding while we do it.

3. Recognise that there may be a suitable alternative you haven't thought of

As I write this, it is 3:50am. I began this post at about 3.15am. My 18-month-old toddler had been awake for three hours, refusing to be pacified whether she was held, placed in her cot, rocked, sung to, or given gum-soothing ointment for her teeth.

My wife and I were trying to 'force' her to go back to sleep. After waking up at midnight (we'd only been asleep 90 minutes), we wanted her to sleep and were trying to make it happen. She was resisting in the most dramatic, forceful, and noisy way she could.

Three hours of a screaming baby is distressing. Particularly when you are walking, holding, cuddling, and soothing, yet she screams... and it gets louder if you put her back to bed!

At 2.30am Mrs Happy Families put the baby on the floor with some toys. Instant quiet. Then smiles. Relief! (Except that we were awake). After Miss Ornery had played for thirty minutes she picked up her blanket, came to Mrs HF, and more or less begged to be put back to bed.

Another personal example... my three-year-old usually fusses at meal times. We once pressured her to eat her meal with us. It did not work. We offered her choices about what to eat or who would feed her. Unsuccessful. Finally, after nothing worked, I said:

"Annie, if you don't want dinner with us, that's ok. You let us know when you're hungry and I'll help you with your food then."

She toddled off, played happily, and as we finished our meal Annie decided she was hungry. Five minutes later she was fed with no fuss. That was the pattern in our home for several months, until Annie decided that one night she would eat with us - and she has done so ever since. She just had to decide for herself.

As an aside, every night without fail, Annie will ask for more food right on bed time. We resisted at first, and tried to force her to go to bed. We always lost. Negotiations with a tired and hungry three-year-old are tricky. So I agreed and gave her alternatives. A sandwich or some Weet-Bix. She picked Weet-Bix. Two minutes later they were eaten and she was in bed, happy, and full.

We found that we can spend 20-30 minutes trying to force an issue with our children, or we can work together, spend five minutes of being 'inconvenienced' and have a peaceful night and a happy child.

4. Just go with it

I was impressed by the response of one reader to the question of troublesome toddlers. Cordeline said

I always find myself saying ‘I choose my battles’ at least once a day with our toddler.
So, today, she is wearing gumboots and her big sister’s fairy dress to come to the supermarket with me, but she had to have her hair brushed and will wear a warm coat over the to top of the fairy dress!

If your child's safety, health, or morality are not at risk, then honouring their preferences will make things more peaceful. And they'll probably be ok. Cordeline just rolled with it, but made sure that her little girl got what she wanted in a way that Cordeline felt good about.

Of course, if there will be problems of safety, health, or morality, there may be some instances where there is no further discussion or negotiation. But this is uncommon. Most of the time, we can support our children's autonomy by helping them have what they want in ways we feel good about.

In short, there are no easy ways of dealing with toddlers or pre-schoolers (or anyone for that matter) when we are trying to get them to do what we want and it's in opposition to what they want. For children over five, teens, and adults, we can usually follow the advice in the article mentioned earlier, but for younger children it takes patience, love, and a whole lot of time - even if it is at 3am.