Today's Australian newspapers have been all over a story about a mum in Townsville who publicly shamed her ten year-old son for his stealing habit.

In a nutshell, the mother made her young son sit in public with a sign reading

"Do not trust me. I will steal from you as I am a thief"

pinned to his shirt. The boy, thought to be aged about 10, was also wearing Shrek ears and writing lines in what appeared to a form of public punishment. It all happened in a park, and some reports suggest that other kids at the park enjoyed mocking this young boy.

As you might expect, the talkback shows, current affairs programs, and parenting blogs and forums have been going crazy with opinion divided - strongly - as to whether or not this was appropriate.

Of course, if we all thought this was ok, it wouldn't be news would it?

So, is it fair enough to shame a child, to induce guilt, and to humiliate him or her? And will this approach work?

The first question we need to ask is, "Work to do what?"

If our punishments are harsh enough then there's every chance that they will stop a particular behaviour. So sure, punishment works, and perhaps this humiliating experience may change this boy's stealing habit (which has carried on for some three years).

But how long will it work for?

I'd suggest that as soon as there's no one around to catch him, he'll happily go about his stealing ways again. No threat of punishment means he's away, free.

The whole point of discipline is to teach. And the best, most effective discipline is the kind that teaches good ways to act.

What did this discipline teach this boy?

He probably learned that his parents have more power than him.

He probably learned that if you're the bigger person, then you can do what you want.

And it's almost certain that he learned that he's a good-for-nothing liar and thief.

He probably also learned what it feels like to be alone. And what it's like to have no one around you who will advocate for you, or offer to help you.

What kind of outcomes are generated from this kind of learning?

None of them are good. Chances are he'll bully others the way he's been bullied. His stealing behaviour may simply become more sneaky, and only happen when no one's around. He'll feel lousy about himself.

We need to acknowledge that this mum felt she had tried 'everything', including having him front up to shopkeepers, visiting the police, paying things back, and more.

Ultimately, though, this shame and humiliation is a gross abuse of parental privilege, power, and trust.

If you child falls of his bike again and again, or fails to learn a piano piece or guitar riff regardless of how many times you help her practice it, shame, guilt, and humiliation will hardly be your 'discipline' of choice. There are better ways to teach, whether the issue is one of morality (like honesty and stealing) or something else.

So what's the solution?

I'd suggest the following -

1. Understand the context. Why does he feel a need to steal? Is it about pocket-money? Or being tough around friends? Is it just an insatiable desire for more?

2. Understand development. Around the ages of four or five through to six or seven (and sometimes even eight or nine), kids struggle with stealing. They may understand the idea that what belongs to others does not belong to them, but in practice it simply doesn't make sense. Knowing this can help us approach things effectively.

3. Understand what you want them to learn - and teach that. By working with your child, you can ask questions about honesty. Why do we have to pay for things? How would you feel if someone took things from you? How do other people feel when we take things from them?

4. Understand that some things take time. Most children will not 'get' the honesty/stealing lesson (or many other lessons) the first time you discuss it with them, or experience it with them. That's ok. We all struggle to learn various life lessons. Be patient, and be consistent. Every time it happens, go through the issues with them. Use induction. Have them develop the skill of perspective taking.

5. Avoid, at all costs, shame, guilt and humiliation. Stay calm, and teach good ways to act by being good yourself, and helping your child learn.


I suspect that this 'well-intentioned' mum has been struggling to control herself when this dishonesty has reared itself in her family. She probably sees integrity as critical to family life and the development of an upright son.  But ongoing 'massive' attention to the problem has only magnified it, and led to it persisting, and culminating in a story that has nationwide exposure.

Most parents have a child who takes a long time to pick things up. It may relate to stealing, or it could be another challenging behaviour. Humiliation, even once, can be the cause of drastic and terrible decisions. Once humiliated, an incident such as this can scar a child, driving depression, anxiety, and even suicide. When we discipline with love, patience, humility, and compassion, we teach good ways to act. We don't abuse our power. We patiently, consistently teach what our children need to learn from us. And patient, loving, consistency is the most effective disciplinary tool there is.