Expecting Too Much of Our Kids?
Friday, 4 November 2011
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| Source: www.timcoulson.com |
Sometimes there can be a wide discrepancy between what children value and what their parents’ value.
While parents are concerned with tidiness, children seem oblivious to mess.
While parents pester their children about punctuality, children seem blissfully unaware of time constraints.
While parents want children in bed and sleeping by 8pm (or whatever time works for you) so they can have some quiet time and still get enough sleep, children are obsessed with pushing bedtime boundaries.
While parents often seek peace and quiet, noise and activity are the outcome of most of what our children want to do.
Last week, Miss 7 (child number three in the Happy Families House) went on an excursion. Knowing that Miss 7 gets carried away in the moment, I was very clear with her. I asked, “What do you need to do with your jacket today?” Her reply was perfect: “Put it in my bag dad.” I checked and re-checked that she would remember. Apparently she did remember to put her jacket in her bag. However, she left her bag on the FERRY.
That bag had her school jacket ($60), her Tupperware lunchbox (I know, it should never have gone! $30), and there was the bag itself ($20) plus whatever goodies she had put into it.
But, is it expecting too much of Miss 7 to think she can remember her bag when she’s catching ferries across Sydney Harbour, staring at the Opera House, the Sydney Harbour Bridge, and more? And then she’s visiting the lions and elephants and ... all of those exciting things can be a lot to take in for a little girl.
It’s true that nearly every other child came home with the same school bag they had gone on the excursion with. So I find myself wondering if my expectations were too high, or if I’m justified in being upset. As soon as I start to get angry at her, I recall that when I was in school I lost several clothing items, bags, sports accessories, and so on. And I did so at much older ages. Did my parents get upset with me? Yes. Did I remember things better as a result? No.
While we love our children, and cherish their gorgeous personalities and energy, it can be easy to forget how precious they are to us. It can also be hard to remember that they are human – just like us. And the last time I checked, none of the humans I know were perfect either.
Just like you and I, our children’s actions, emotions, and words become quite inconvenient. (Have you ever spoken to someone who felt you were being inconvenient? Or have you behaved in a way that was inconvenient to another person?) It’s at that point - when we become annoyed, inconvenienced, or just plain angry at our children - that our expectations start to get too high. We forget that they’re people. Imperfect people who are here to learn from us.
We walk into a messy bedroom and shout, “What has been going on in here? It looks like a bomb has gone off!”
Our demands are endless. “Kids, be quiet. Hurry up. Tidy up. Do your practice. Get out the door. Stay in your room. How many times do I have to tell you?” A favourite author of mine, Alfie Kohn, calls it “my mother’s in my larynx.”
Have you ever stopped and counted the number of demands you make on your children? How about the tone of your demands?
Imagine if your boss pestered you, nagged you, made demands on you, and had expectations of you to the same degree that you do your children... how long would you stay in his/her employment? My guess... not long.
Here are some handy hints to remember when our children choose not to listen, or forget something, or make too much noise, or mess, or...
- What is an appropriate developmental expectation? For example, research shows that children will be forgetful and lack real responsibility until around age eight. And they won’t take any thought about the messiness of their room (generally) until age twelve.
- Are we expecting them to be perfect?
- How is our reaction to their imperfections and inconvenience modelling a good, fair, and even-handed approach for them to emulate when things go wrong?
Children need us to be less critical. They need less judgement. While they need responsibilities and limits, they also need us to be models, and they need our acceptance in spite of their imperfections.
What do you think... How much should we expect of our children?
3 comments:
I found this post very interesting as we had a similar situation recently with our elder daughter, who is 8. She had lost her school hat. It's not an expensive item, but her idea of "lost" is not the same as mine. Rather than taking control of the situation this time, as I normally would, I encouraged her to look in the lost property, check her school room, turn her bedroom upside down. Wearing a head is compulsory in terms 1 and 4, so she had to sit on the safety seat for a lunchtime as she didn't have it, which upset her, but still not really enough to take any action in looking for it.
When she'd been teased about crying when she had to sit out play time for no hat, I caved and bought her a new $20 hat as I didn't want her upset unnecesarily. The next day after school "Guess what mum...." she'd found her hat in the hat box at school!
I do too much for my children at times, I"m aware of that and am trying to change my actions. I want them to be more aware of consequences and that if they value a certain item, they alone must take responsibility for it.
Thanks Victoria!
It's interesting to think about this issue. Clearly we think (as adults) that an eight year-old should be able to deal with this issue. But eight year-olds still lose things (just like their parents from time to time).
It may or may not be expecting too much of your daughter that she would never lose a school hat. What matters more, to your daughter, is the way you respond to the issue. Getting angry is ineffective. It just turns you into a bully. Being overly accepting and lovingly going out and buying a new hat is similarly ineffective. It turns you into a pushover.
Taking time to talk through the issue, discuss finances, responsibility, processes, and asking her how she feels she might avoid the issue in the future shows that it matters, but that you can be sympathetic, concerned, yet not a pushover.
And on the bright side, at least you've got a spare hat now :)
I find that very I expect more from my children than I expect from myself, and they are 2 and 4! I try to step back and think about how things would have gone if it were me, realistically, and re-frame my mind, but it is so hard when you want your child to be better than you are!
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