How You Can Have MORE Influence By Being Less In Control
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
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| Source: www.timcoulson.com |
Last year I posted a version of this article at mamamia.com.au. I've re-written the article and posted it again because of the large volume of questions and responses the article received. I'd love to hear your experiences and thoughts.
Whether
you’re a parent, a school-teacher, or a workplace supervisor or manager,
chances are you are required to influence people. As the ‘responsible adult’
you have a house, classroom, or business to run, and you need children (or
adults) to do basic things to make it work.
What is
your standard method of getting those results?
There are
generally two ways that most people try to get others to do what needs to be
done.
1. Incentives, Rewards, Promises,
and Praise
In many
cases, we use a sugar-coated version of influence where we promise goodies like
gold stars, financial incentives, praise, or other rewards for getting people
to do the things you want them to do. Kind of like: “If you do this, you’ll get that.”
We can
see this in almost every home, where star-charts dominate the fridge door, or
compete for space on the cork board on the dining room wall. “Get enough stars
and you’ll get a treat.”
The same
goes in classrooms around the country, where too many stressed out teachers
bribe students to behave in a manner consistent with the teacher’s need for
control, and then offer early marks, class parties, and treats for kids’
compliance.
And around
the nation, managers are consistently turning their workplaces into game shows
in order to ‘influence’ staff to achieve sales targets and increase performance
on a range of measures.
2. Threats and Punishments
Then
there’s the negative influence. We use threats, punishment, time-out, or
aggression to demand compliance. Kind of like: “If you do this, you’ll get that.”
In
parenting, I use the term ‘puffer-fish parenting’ to describe the way we blow
ourselves up to scare our children into submission. We threaten to remove
privileges, cancel play-dates, or hit our children when they fail to ‘be
influenced’ by our requests.
In
classrooms, teachers shout, or use ‘writing out lines’ or detention as a
deterrent against deviation from prescribed rules.
The
workplace can be similarly punitive, with various disciplinary strategies in
place to keep employees compliant with policy, and in line with objectives.
The
problem with power-based influence
The
trouble is, the negative and positive versions of influence are the same thing
– using our power to ‘influence’ (read: make
someone comply with our wishes). In one case, we say “do this and you’ll get that”
and we do it with a smile on our face. In the other case, we make the same
statement – “do this and you’ll get that” – but it’s menacing.
Trouble
is, you don’t like being told what to do, no matter how good and worthwhile it
may be. And neither do those you have influence over, whether they are your
children, students in a classroom, or your entire staff. The law of physics
applies in relationships too – Force creates resistance.
How it
works at home
Say, for
example, a mother wants her child to learn the piano. The child starts lessons
enthusiastically, but within a month or two the daily practice routine overrides
the initial enthusiasm. The child refuses to practise. Predictably, the mother
starts to use power to ‘influence’ (i.e., bribe, demand, threaten), and
ultimately forces the child to do something he or she simply does not want to
do!
The
harder we push someone to do something they don’t want to do, the more likely
it is that they’ll push back and insist that you can’t make them do anything.
Invariably this leads to problems such as:
- The person will only act the ‘right’ way when the person who holds the power is in the room.
- An inability to regulate and control emotions (in children).
- Self esteem/Self worth issues.
- Bullying others. (Children whose parents use power-based strategies at home to force compliance are much more likely to be bullies, using these same strategies to force compliance in the schoolyard).
When we
use ‘controlling’ techniques we do things to people to make them do what we want. But when someone makes you do something, do you feel good
about it? Is there anything inside you that makes you feel like you’re on
track? In most cases, the answer is no. We prefer to use our autonomy to make
our own decisions about what we will do and when we will do it. We like to
decide what needs to be done, rather than be dictated to.
The
alternative to power-based influence
The
alternative is to work with people by
trying to understand their motivation and then explaining why we’re asking for
a change – and leaving it up to their good judgement to make that change.
For
example, my 12 year-old daughter was recently listening to a song that
contained material my wife and I found highly objectionable.
What were
my alternatives?
If I were
to use power-based influence to prevent her listening to that song I would have
bribed or threatened her. Coercion is the language of power. My demands that
she not listen to that music would have been met with resistance or it would
have pushed the music listening ‘underground’. My threatening “don’t you ever
let me hear you playing that song again” would have been met with “don’t worry
dad, you won’t ever catch me
listening to it.”
Power-based
influence would be ineffective. It would be a quick-fix patch that never really
addressed the underlying reasons for my objections.
Influence
through understanding
Instead
we talked about the song, why she liked it (catchy tune, all her friends sing
it) and its content. My wife and I agreed that it was a terrific ‘sound’, and
we could see how it was so popular.
Then we
discussed values that mattered to all of us as a family. We asked lots of
questions about what the song (and other songs) were about, and what messages
they promoted. We asked how that made our daughter feel.
At the
conclusion of our discussion our daughter said, “I’m going to have to delete
lots of songs from my playlist.”
At no
time was she asked to do that. She chose to do it autonomously. My wife and I had
listened to her, we explained our reasons and she made the decision.
What the
research says
Decades
of research shows that if the relationship
matters more than the outcome, the
use of ‘control’ (whether negative or positive) is far less effective than
autonomy supportive practices.
In spite
of the research, many parents, bosses, and teachers feel like if they don’t
remain in control it will all fall apart. But forcing people to do things
creates resistance and leads to anger and deception. It ignores the person’s
personal values and desires and it explicitly or implicitly threatens
punishment. Even greater than that: it jeopardises relationships.
Certainly
food for thought when you want to be an influence for good.
1 comments:
The ineffectiveness of power based control was made clear to me when I worked in an elementary school as a tutor. One first grade class was controlled tightly through threats and potential humilation, although the casual visitor might have thought they were well behaved. When a substitute teacher came one day all hell broke loose. The kids moved desks around, sat on them and generally made a point of not following any rules that were previously imposed. I realized then, that kids must develop their own moral code. I am most proud when my kids make good choices based on their own understanding of potential consequences and see the value of being kind, working hard etc.
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