Who's a Bad Parent Anyway?

"Great parenting!"

That was the sarcastic insult that was thrown at me a few days ago by a stranger as I drove past him, ever so slowly, with my four, eight, and nine year-olds hanging off the side of our car.

I'm still angry about it. When it happened I was so mad that I stopped my car, got out, and walked after him, letting him know how I felt about his comment. I'm not proud of my response. I shouldn't have done it - especially not in front of the kids. I'll explain what happened in just a second, but first, a quick point about parenting - bad parenting in particular.

Most parents I know have had our moments. Some days we're simply not in the mood for it. We snap at the kids. We make impatient demands. We have a bad parent kind of day.

No one is harder on ourselves than we are. We know how we want to be as parents. We try to act in accordance with our values. We remember the promises we made, either silently and privately, or openly in celebration of the birth of our kids. We were going to be great parents! We were going to be kind, loving, compassionate, available, engaged, and mindful.

But some days we just don't get there. We find it impossible to measure up to our lofty standards of parenting perfection.

As much as we beat ourselves up for it, even berate ourselves, sometimes we might do well to give ourselves a break.

Is it ideal that we fall short? No, not at all.

Can we do better? Generally, yes... and we should.

But as we all know, some days are better than others. What matters most is that our kids know that most of the time we are good, we can be relied upon, and that even when we're having a lousy day, we still love them.

Which is why what happened to me the other day got me so mad. I was actually being a good parent! Or so I thought. (I'm the damn parenting expert - I think I'd have a good idea of when I'm getting it right).

How to Have Perfect Children - And Do You Really Want Them?

Source: www.timcoulson.com

Lately I’ve been challenged in the ‘patience’ department. I suppose it should be expected with five children. I found myself complaining to Mrs Happy Families (Kylie).

“I just want them to come to the table when I call them.”

After a pause I added:

“And to put their bags away without being asked.”

Another pause, then:

“and to poo in the potty, and to help with the dishes without complaining, and to keep their rooms tidy, and to do their music practice without me constantly reminding them, and to treat each other kindly. And I’d really like them to leave me alone so I can get some work done without being interrupted every two minutes.”

I’m sure I could have continued. But Kylie knew I was frustrated and gently told me so. She said something like:

“You’re really frustrated about the kids.”

(I know it’s obvious, but showing me she understood made me feel... well, understood.)

“Yes I am. Thank you for understanding. It makes me feel better. But if they were perfect” I continued, “we wouldn’t have to deal with all of this!”

I motioned to the dinner going cold at the dining table (I hate cold mashed potato), the mess on the floor, and the bags that had fallen over and spilled their contents at the door.

My frustration with my children made me start to wonder what my expectations for them really are.

Do You Have Challenging Children?

 Do your children challenge you? Do they ask you to justify your demands? Do they spot any hint of hypocrisy in your rules and requests? Do they constantly ask ‘why’?

As annoying as this is, having children who feel safe enough to challenge you may be a good thing – perhaps it’s even something you may want to encourage.

I know this sounds a little crazy, but hear me out on this one.

Most parents want their children to be obedient. When they do as we say, life is good. Parenting is uncomplicated. Things get done quickly and with a minimum of fuss. Yet, nearly every parent I have discussed this with is quick to assert that they want their children to think for themselves. Parents routinely agree with the idea that their children should grow up to be adults who develop sound moral reasoning, are bold enough to challenge things they see that are wrong, and who question the status quo.

It seems that we have incongruent goals in this regard. We want children who listen; children who do as they are told. We expect obedience to directions, and compliance with social and family norms. But we want our children to be independent thinkers. We don’t want them to follow the crowd.

Some of you are probably reading this and wondering, “Is there such a thing as a child who doesn’t challenge you?” That’s a fair question. Most kids will challenge us. The real issue is how we respond to that challenge, and how it affects our child.

The Parent Manifesto review

There is a great deal that parents 'might' choose to do to raise healthy, happy children; but there is really very little that they 'must' do.

That is the central theme of a new parenting book called The Parent Manifesto, by Jodie Benveniste.

Jodie approached this book from an unusual perspective. While a parenting expert herself, the Parent Manifesto to promote the idea that YOU are the expert in your family. You know what your children respond to and what their needs are. The book was compiled by Jodie, but several chapters of the book were written by mums and dads who have become part of Jodie's online 'tribe'. Their voices add unique and relatable ideas.

Straight after I read The Parent Manifesto I picked up a book on goal achievement (Succeed, by Heidi Grant Halvorson). It emphasised the importance of having a plan if we want to achieve our goals. The Parent Manifesto gives clear instructions on how we, as parents, can develop our own 'parenting plan' or 'manifesto' to guide our actions as parents.

Highlights of the book:

• Simple, clear, and direct. Jodie writes without jargon and her points are easy to 'get'.
• Other parents' voices give us a sense of how the book works in practice.
• The various manifestos that people have written. Inspiring stuff.
• Jodie's emphasis on the fact that few things are 'necessities' when raising children. Instead, we can press delete on most parenting advice and set our own rules (ensuring the basics are met).

I really enjoyed reading The Parent Manifesto. I've just handed it over to Mrs. Happy Families, and we are about to dive into creating our own manifesto, plan, parenting guiding principles.

I interviewed Jodie to get her perspective on how the book can impact lives.

Parenting - It's About You, Not the Kids

Source: timcoulson.com

Some days you've simply got it. You know that magic touch that is exactly what the kids need? Sunday was my day to get it absolutely right.

Miss L had turned two years old the day before. She was coming down from too much sugar, chocolate, and from being awake far too long. After trying to put her to sleep for her daytime nap, Mrs Happy Families was tired out and handed Miss L to me.

"You deal with her" was my wife's clear instruction.

What to do with your child's negative emotions

Source: www.timcoulson.com

No matter how patient we are as parents, most of us will concede that our children's negative emotions are challenging (at best) and frustratingly inconvenient (at worst). Our children would be so much easier to work with if they could simply regulate their emotions. Keeping their anger, sadness, and frustrations to themselves would make life so much easier. (Of course, we didn't have children to make our lives easy.)

There also seems to be something inherent in family life that makes us predisposed to flaring up at the slightest provocation. If a stranger or work associate (or even an acquaintance) were to do something that made us uncomfortable or that made life inconvenient, we might typically be patient, smile knowingly, and give them the benefit of the doubt. We are unlikely to tell them just how annoying they are being. Conversely, when our children, spouse, or mother-in-law make that same error we tend to be less reserved in our expressions, often becoming immediately and overtly annoyed.

Unfortunately for our children, one of many parents' most common strategies for dealing with difficult emotions is to dismiss them. We think that if we can get our children to 'get over' those emotions, things will be much smoother sailing. We can do it nastily, or nicely, and we can even do it thinking we're doing the right thing. Four of the most common ways we dismiss emotions include:

When Will Our Children Learn?

Last week my eight year-old daughter, Miss E, was playing in her room with her big sister, nine year-old Miss A. The globe in their bedside lamp had blown and, without any parental knowledge, the two girls were playing with the light. While the switch was flicked to "on" Miss A stuck her finger straight into the socket.

Zap.

Miss A experienced enough discomfort to know not to do that again. But now both she and Miss E were intrigued. How did that happen? And why did it hurt so much?

Miss A cajoled Miss E into placing her finger into the socket. Reluctantly she did so.

Zap.

Miss E's finger tip was stinging. But the lesson was not yet learned. Half laughing, half crying, Miss E sucked on her finger to take away the pain. Then, for some unknowable reason that had to do with morbid curiosity and a child's innocent fascination, Miss E stuck her now sucked-on, wet finger back into the socket.

ZAP!

This time Miss E got the full 240 volt experience. She fell to the floor, crying out in pain. Her fingertip was singed black. The house went suddenly dark as the kill-switch clicked into gear. Mrs Happy Families and I dashed for the stairs, racing upwards towards the source of the screaming eight year-old.

Miss A briefed us on what had happened. It immediately became clear to us that we had never had the 'electricity' talk with our children. It also became clear that we needed to have the talk now.

And now seemed the perfect time, given that Miss E and Miss A had just witnessed the amazing power of electricity. It was tempting to half-soothe and half-lecture our distressed daughter. After all, if we didn't make it clear to her now, anything might happen.

But - and this is the important bit - Miss E was not ready to be taught by us. Emotionally, she was distressed. We might even say that she was emotionally flooded. Her capacity to process any new information was close to zero because her emotions were literally flooding every part of her system.

When will our children learn? When we ensure that they feel safe and comfortable. The great parenting educator, Haim Ginott, said:

"When children are in the midst of strong emotions, they cannot listen to anyone. They cannot accept advice or consolation or constructive criticism."

Therefore, when our children need to learn something it is essential that we make sure they are feeling secure, emotionally stable, and are capable of concentration. Statements of comfort and understanding should always precede statements of instruction and advice.

After spending quite some time consoling Miss E she was finally able to be receptive. At this point we asked her some questions.

Was she aware of what had happened?
Did she understand why it happened?
What would be the ramifications of doing that again (best and worst case scenario)?
How would she act if someone else were to attempt to do that?

Miss E's answers helped us identify the gaps in her knowledge about electricity. She didn't really know much at all. We provided the discipline that she needed to learn the right way to act, and to understand why. In this case, Miss E simply needed further induction - or explicit information - to help her understand the dangers of electricity.

If we want our children to learn the right ways to act, we need to accommodate their emotions. Once their emotions are controlled, then they are far more likely to learn.

As a conclusion to Miss E's experience, we also taught her about electricity and water. She fully understood that the two should not mix. Some time later, I found Miss E distressed and crying again. When I inquired as to why, she sobbed, 

"I'm thirsty but you said I can't put water with electricity. Now I've got electricity in me I can't have a drink."

Once again I comforted her, and then explained that the electricity was no longer in her. And I thanked Heaven for such a precious child who was so innocent and willing to listen to her dad.